Popsicles and Paintbrushes

Since last week's lovely experience with her 2 year molars, I have given Bailey lots of popsicles to ease the pain.  Bailey calls popsicles ice-cream and has been asking for them every day now.  She asks for it day and night.  Her actual word for it is "eyesream".  It's super hard to resist her when she asks sweetly with those big, blue eyes and says, "Peese?".  Then when she gets it she says, "Thank um".  Bailey also will throw her hands up in the air and say, "Hooway," when she does get her popsicle and uses the term delicious to describe it.
 
I'm really enjoying all the new words she can use to communicate with me.  Every day she says something new and takes me completely off guard.  

Scott has been watering our bare grass spots with the water hose, which Bailey enjoys completely.  Surprise, surprise!  And of course she had to drink from the water hose!  I'm not sure what the deal was with the paintbrush, but she would dip it in the water and then paint my feet, my toes, my arms, pretty much anything she could paint, she did!

Nature Girl

When I was first pregnant with Bailey I thought I was surely going to have a boy.  In fact, we had boy names picked out and could not come up with a girl name at all.  I couldn't imagine having a girl because I was always such a tomboy.  How would I ever raise a girl?  As a kid I always played street hockey, soccer, and football outside with the neighborhood boys.  The only time I ever played with Barbie dolls was when I would cut their hair or push them in their Barbie convertables down the stairs.  When I found out Bailey was a she after all I immediately began researching dolls and tea parties.  Okay not really, but I did mentally start preparing for having a girl.

Bailey loves the "baby flowers"

Now that I have Bailey I cannot imagine having a boy.  She is so sweet and loving.  I always get kisses and "I love you"'s from her.  She does enjoy her dolls and stuffed animals, but she has a good mix of tomboy in her, as well.  In fact, she mostly wants to be outside smelling flowers, looking at butterflies, jumping on the trampoline, or playing in the water.  The first thing she wants to do when she gets home is take her clothes off.  That's why most of her pictures she's in diapers.  I have no idea where she got that from...okay maybe I do :-).

She recently climbed her first tree.  Not by herself, but with the help of her very cautious mommy.  Thank goodness her daddy wasn't home because he probably would have fainted, but no need for worries, I completely had her.  When I was a girl I loved climbing trees.  Here's a bit of advice: Do NOT climb trees barefoot.  I know that seems like a no-brainer, but that's what I did at my grandparents' house in Corpus Christi when I was a little girl and I slipped.  You can probably imagine where the tree bark went.  Yep, right up under my toenail.  Sorry about the visual.  Anyway, so I had to go and get my toenail removed at the age of 7 maybe.  I guess Bailey didn't really climb the tree so much as sit in it with me right under her in case she fell.  She'll have to wait and climb when she's a little older.  But I will definitely show her how!

We have beautiful bushes that attract butterflies (wish I knew the name of them) and Bailey loves to try and catch them.  She's small enough to go underneath the bushes and I can imagine her making a "fort" inside the bushes someday.  That's another great memory I have from my grandparents' house in Corpus Christi.  Katie and I created a "house" behind the bushes.  I don't really remember what was back there, but I remember it being a blast. I'm so very thankful for my nature girl/tomboy.  God certainly knew what He was doing! 

My little nature girl exploring the bushes

Trampoline Fun

 Bailey's favorite thing to do is jump on my bed or any bed for that matter.  She always says, "More jumping."  So, Scott and I finally caved and bought her a trampoline this past weekend.  Scott wanted to get her the 8 footer, but they didn't have that size at Wal-Mart, so we got her the 14 footer.  Speaking of Wal-Mart, do people bring their kids to Wal-Mart and then just leave them to play in the toy aisle?  Seriously!  Kids were riding the bikes down the aisles and not just the toy aisle, but all the surrounding aisles.  Anyway, I'm so glad they didn't have the smaller one because now Scott can jump with Bailey on this larger one. 
It took us two days to assemble it.  It says 45 minutes to assemble with 2 people on the box.  Yeah right!  So our first day we just set up the trampoline without the net.  A little scary for us as she jumped, but it kept us on our toes!  After we finally got the net set up yesterday, she came home from school and jumped for 3 1/2 hours straight.  Her sweet daddy jumped with her most of that time.  My calves were tight after jumping with her.  She loves jumping on her trampoline, but she wouldn't let me stop jumping with her today.  If I stopped she'd say, "Jump Mommy."  Don't know how she has that much energy, but I wish she'd share it with me!

Depression: My Journey In and Out of the Pit

Sharing my journey

I guess I mostly felt the need to write this post because had I known a little more about depression and how many people struggle with it I might have gotten help a little earlier.  It has a stigma attached to it.  People with depression are weak, right?  Wrong!  I think anyone that truly knows me knows that I am not a weak person.  In fact, my doctor kept using the word brave to describe me when I first went in to get help.  At the time I couldn't figure out why she was using that word, but looking back at it I completely understand.  The stigma associated with depression keeps people from seeking treatment and admitting they have a problem.  After all, when I was first diagnosed I felt shameful and didn't feel justified in having depression.  I thought only people that suffered tragic losses dealt with depression.  I hope that I can help others that are struggling with it.  My goal is to be completely transparent and an open book!
Falling into the pit
I'm not sure when the depression crept in.  I think I slowly began to struggle with it when I became a mom.  As most of you know, Scott has different days off than me (for the most part).  He works every Saturday, but used to have every Sunday off (except 1).  This summer that changed and he now only gets two Sundays off per month (sometimes only 1).  I've always struggled with his work schedule, even before we got married, but now that I have Bailey it's become harder to accept.  At times I feel hopeless that we will never be a "normal" family.  By "normal" I mean a whole family with common days off.  I know I can't complain because many families are separated by oceans for months to years, but it is my struggle. 

It became very apparent to me when Scott's new work schedule started and the new school year began that something was wrong.  Almost every day I would come home and the first thing I would do was sit down on my kitchen floor and cry.  Some days I would even utter the words, "I hate my life".  Which to me felt like I was saying, "I hate my daughter.  I hate my husband.  I hate my family and friends.  I hate God."  But none of these statements were true.  I did hate how I felt so hopeless, how every day life seemed to be so hard, how exhausted I was all the time.  From August to December I dealt daily with anxiety attacks, stomachaches, headaches, fatigue, and would forget conversations that I had with my husband just a few minutes earlier. It was so frustrating and I felt like every day I would say, "I think something is wrong with me."  I'd paste a smile on my face and do my best to make it through the day. I love to exercise, but by the end of a long day of teaching the last thing I wanted to do was go to the gym.  Fatigue was weighing me down.  I didn't feel like an adequate teacher, mother, friend, or wife.

I had fallen into a dark pit and couldn't see the light.  I knew I was in the pit, but I wouldn't ask for help.  Scott would tell me on a daily basis to go to the doctor and I would just put it off.  Maybe somehow I knew subconsciously what the outcome of a doctor's visit would be, so I avoided it like the plague.  Eventually the pit grew too dark to stay.

Cry for help
Psalm 34:17-18  When the righteous cry for help, the Lord hears and delivers them out of their troubles.  The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit. 
My regular daily prayer since August was "God change something.  Change my heart or change my life situation, but change something."  Every day on my commute to work I would repeat that over and over, sometimes through tears.  I did the typical Web MD thing to research my symptoms and see what was wrong with me.  Finally, one night I sat down on my bed and told Scott, "I think I'm depressed."  My mom also suggested I get my thyroid levels checked as there is a history of thyroid problems in my family.  So I went to the doctor and blubbered my symptoms as tears ran down my cheeks, fully expecting her to say it was my thyroid, but the first thing out of her mouth was, "You are depressed".  I continued saying, "I don't know why I'm so tired and anxious", and she repeated, "Because you are depressed."  She prescribed me some medication and suggested some therapists for me to visit with and she also had my thyroid levels checked.  She wound up diagnosing me with hypothyroidism, too.

Climbing out of the pit
At first I was relieved that I finally had an answer for all the symptoms I had been having, but then I felt shame.  I didn't understand why I was depressed. I hadn't suffered any tragedies, I had a beautiful daughter and a supportive husband.  I had a loving family and friends.  My life was for the most part pretty great, but after doing some research and talking to friends I learned that depression is a lot more common and it has to do with a chemical imbalance in the brain, but people just don't talk about it. 

After getting my medication the pharmacist told me I should start feeling better in about 6 weeks.  After 6 weeks on my depression medicine I noticed the difference and Scott could definitely tell a difference!  I now am no longer dealing with the anxiety attacks, stomachaches, headaches, or fatigue on a daily basis like I was 6 weeks prior.  I walk with a pep in my step!

Accepting the pit
Proverbs 3:5 Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding.  
God had heard my cries and answered prayers.  It took about 4 months of struggling with the anxiety attacks, stomachaches, fatigue, feelings of hopelessness and worthlessness to finally come out on the other side.  I firmly believe that I was to experience all of those things so that I could grow closer to God.  I leaned on him and trusted that he would hear my cries and answer me.  I know that God has His own timing and that there was a reason for me to experience this. There have been times in my life that were extremely difficult and at the same time I was closer to God than I have ever been.

Staying out of the pit
I know that it is something I still will struggle with.  Depression will pull me back into the pit to say, "Hello!", but my visit does not linger longer than a few hours.  Before getting help, a visit to the pit would last weeks.  Besides medication, spending time with God through prayer and devotionals, getting exercise, and enjoying my new (photography) and old (soccer) hobbies help me.  My parents are amazing, as well!  They offer any time I need it to take Bailey so I can have some time to myself.  Accepting help is key! 


Psalm 30:11 You turned my wailing into dancing; you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy.
One night as I was reading my bible I just cried big, alligator tears.  I was reading the various verses that I have posted above.  A few months earlier these alligator tears would have been tears of hopelessness and sadness, but these were cries of joy because God had helped me out of the pit.  I had called on Him and He had answered me! 

Easter Sunday is for Frisbees?

Scott, Bailey, and me in our Easter Sunday best

 I'm so excited for when Will and Christi (Scott's brother and wife) do finally get to move to Austin from Knoxville.  I look forward to the many memories our family will make with their family.  But for now we have to settle for the few days that we get to visit them at various times throughout the year.  It seems to be that we get to see them 3 times a year because we just can't stand being apart for too long.

Bailey and Christi

 Bailey adores Christi and I feel so lucky to have an amazing sister-in-law.  On Saturday, Christi and I witnessed a car accident that could have easily been us.  Christi, being the compassionate woman that she is leaped out of my car and raced over to the Pathfinder.  Thankfully all involved were okay, but Christi patiently waited with the driver of the Pathfinder until she was confident that the driver had someone coming from her and would be okay.  Christi even hugged her before we left!  I guess that's the counselor in her!  Growing up, I hope that Bailey will learn empathy from Christi, since she won't learn it from her mommy.  I try, I really do!

 

 This Easter Sunday we celebrated the resurrection of our Lord with them at our new sanctuary at church.  Then it was back to the Roberson house for some grub.  Scott's dad, Wayne and his other brother, Travis came up, too. After some grub and a nap (me and Bailey), we headed to the park to toss the frisbee.  Bailey was not interested at all.  All she wanted to do was collect rocks and sticks.  Of course being a Roberson, Scott had to make a challenge out of something as simple as tossing a frisbee.  We had to catch 10 tosses in a row before calling it quits on frisbee. 

Once we finally achieved our goal I had to snap a pic of the brothers.

                   Then Scott suggested we take a picture similar to one from Will's wedding.  I got this one on the first take.

Bailey and Christi headed over to the pond to check out the water.  I told ya Bailey was a water baby. Then the train came by and Bailey said, "I hear train!"  Yes, the train tracks run right behind my house.  I don't hardly notice the noise anymore, but if we are at the park the train usually comes by and Bailey loves that!

Christi and Bailey watching the train

Travis, Christi, and Bailey

 After we were done at the park, either Will or Scott suggested we head to another park (basically a very large open field) to see who can throw the frisbee the farthest.  No, I'm not kidding and yes these are men in their thirties.  Bailey loved running around on the field, but she was starting to turn into a diva.  Little did I know that it was because she was just hungry.  I guess it had been a while since lunch.  Oops, bad mommy moment on my part.  I was just having such a blast tossing the frisbee and taking pictures.  

Will admiring his throw

Anyway, you can see from the picture below the extremely large field.  I'm not exactly sure who actually won this contest.  At one point Scott challenged Christi and I to see who could throw the farthest.  I actually wound up almost decapitating her because I forgot to let go.  Ha!  Yes, I can kick a soccer ball like nobody's business, but that does NOT mean I can successfully chunk a frisbee.

Will and Scott getting ready to show the big field who's boss

 Besides Bailey's total diva meltdown it was quite a fun evening.  I was very sad to see Will and Christi go back to Knoxville and of course Scott and I are already trying to figure out when we will see them next.

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Adventure at Slaughter Creek

 We were so excited to have Will and Christi (Scott's brother and his wife) in town from Knoxville this weekend.  Since Scott had to work on Saturday we all decided to head to a park to enjoy the beautiful
weather.  We decided on a park that runs along Slaughter Creek.  Bailey is a water baby so it made sense to spend most of our time along the creek.  She can't help but throw rock after rock into the water.

Will, Christi, and Bailey

 We wanted to check out more of the creek and Christi spotted some gorgeous trees, so we decided to extend our journey. 

Will's makeshift bridge

It wasn't easy to get over to where the trees were, so Will made a makeshift bridge with some branches and a few rocks after leaping over the creek to the other side. 

Once we were across we were welcomed by the beautiful trees and water shallow enough to wade in. 

Had we been wearing rain boots Christi and I were convinced we would have waded into the creek, but that was not gonna happen with her Sperrys and my Sauconys.  

Bailey, of course, had no problem wading a little bit in the water since she was wearing her Croc boots (that Will and Christi got her for Christmas I might add).

Will and Travis poking a snake

Will and Travis found a small snake under a rock.  I'm not really sure what they were doing to it.  I think Will said he was trying to feed it a caterpillar.



 The rest of our time down by the creek was spent throwing more rocks into the creek (Bailey and me) and skipping rocks (Will, Travis, and Christi).

Roses

This is a short post, but I had to share my beautiful roses from my backyard.

I have a black thumb and cannot grow any plants, except the one sagebrush that I planted in my front yard.  That is the only plant I haven't killed.  All the plants currently in my yard that are still alive are ones that were already here when we moved in or something that Scott planted.

We have some rose bushes in our backyard that have bloomed recently and Bailey is pretty captivated by them.  They are gorgeous right now, probably because I haven't touched them.  We picked a rose to give to Bailey's teacher to celebrate her last day at Bailey's school.  Bailey did not want to give it up, though.  They recently planted flowers at Bailey's school, so every flower to her is a "baby flower".  She's kind of obsessed with flowers now.

A Weekend in Seguin

I am incredibly blessed to have a rich family history on both my mom and dad's side of the family.  Scott always teases me for all the family reunions I go to each year.  Yes, I usually have two each summer, but he counts getting together for holidays and birthdays as reunions, too.  I can't help it if my family enjoys seeing each other!  Anyway, this weekend was spent mostly in Seguin touring my great, great grandfather's home and then celebrating my great aunt's 98th birthday.  Katie got to come down from Midland and join us!

Arthur Bergfeld House Tour
Over 10 years ago, my cousin Janice Woods Windle, wrote an amazing book about my great grandfather, Will Bergfeld.  He was accused of treason in 1917, when anti-German sentiment ran rampant during World War I. Here is a link to the book:  Will's War.  I read it when it was first published and of course became my favorite novel.  If you enjoy courtroom dramas and historical fiction this is a great book for you.  In fact, I think I'll read it again (it has been 11 years).  I promise I'm not making anything off that advertisement.  Ha!  Anyway, on Saturday I was able to tour my great, great grandfather's (Arthur Bergfeld) home  that he built, which was a scene in a part of the book Will's War.  A gracious couple restored the home and were kind enough to let us tour it.  It was part of a larger Seguin tour for the book.  I kept saying over and over again that I wish they still built homes like that.  Here is a link to an article about the home: San Antonio At Home article. 

It was quite interesting taking a 2 year old on a tour like this.  I kept my eye on her to make sure she didn't knock anything expensive off the wall or grab anything off a table.  She was the perfect angel and the only person close to her in age was my sister.  Ha!  At one point she shushed an older woman who had come into the tour late.  Hehe!

 After the tour, we went to the family farm in Seguin to take wildflower pictures.  We had to wake poor Bailey up from her nap to get some pictures, but it was worth it. 

Aunt Virginia's Birthday Celebration
On Sunday, we celebrated my great aunt Virginia's 98th birthday.  We all met over at my grandparent's house as a family for lunch first.  Bailey got to see and play with some of her cousins. 

 She also enjoyed seeing the real turtle.  She has a toy turtle that lights up her room with stars every night that she calls Mr. Turtle, so it was neat to see the real thing.  Later on she started taunting the turtle and it tried snapping at her, which she thought was hysterical.
                                                                                    

Bailey, Mom, and Aunt Virginia

After lunch we headed over to Aunt Virginia's home to celebrate her birthday.  You would have no idea she was 98 years old.  I hope that I am still that sharp and healthy when I'm 98!


Bailey enjoyed playing in the playhouse that was on Aunt Virginia's front lawn.  It was built for her daughter Janice when she was a young girl.  Bailey went in and out of the house all day playing "tea party" and feeding her baby doll.  Of course, when it was time to go she was not too happy.


Bailey also really enjoyed getting to see her Aunt Katie.  Bailey has a lot of Katie's character traits and I am so grateful for that.  Growing up with Katie life was never boring!  Bailey has the same goofy sense of humor, curiosity, and love of life that Katie has.  Oh and they can both charm the socks off anybody!