Daddy's Girl

Bailey has Scott wrapped around her finger!  I guess most little girls do. I feel so blessed to have married a man that is such a good daddy.  He absolutely adores Bailey and she feels the same way towards him.  In fact, when he's home I might as well leave the house.  I'm sure he wouldn't appreciate that, but positive that Bailey would enjoy alone time with her daddy.  Everything he does now is for her and her future.  He's even already started her college fund.  Ha! She's a pretty lucky little girl!

I'm pretty lucky, too.  I'm not sure my household could run quite the same without him.  He gets up early to take Bailey to school, even though it's out of his way, and sometimes means a 2 hour commute to work for him.  But, he knows how much I appreciate that time in the morning to be able to get to work a little bit earlier.  I haven't taken my car to get the oil changed or tires rotated since I married Scott.  He always takes care of that for me on his day off.  And of course, let's not forget how he unclogs my shower drain when we all know it is not his hair that he's pulling out of those drains. There are, of course, a million other things that I couldn't do without him, but that's for another post. 
I'm not quite sure why he chose me and I've never quite felt like I deserved him, but man am I grateful that God brought him into my life and even more glad that he's the father of my amazing little girl.

Happy Mother's Day Mom

My mom with Bailey

My mother has taught me quite a bit in my almost 32 years on planet Earth.  Here are just a few...

Have faith in God
When she was 15 years old, her brother Preston passed away.  I can't even begin to imagine experiencing that kind of loss, especially at such a young age. Yet, her faith in God is incredibly strong.  I have never experienced that kind of loss, but I would like to think that when I do experience it, I will rely on God and trust that He is always in control.
 

Don't let your physical challenges keep you from doing something you love
My mother has lost quite a bit of her hearing during her adult years.  I know that this is tough for her, especially begin so gifted musically.  Yet, she continues to sing in the choir at our church and play the piano.  The biggest physical challenge that I have is exercise-induced asthma and the only time that becomes a problem is when I'm playing soccer.  Not such a huge problem now, but when I was younger it was pretty tough overcoming that and playing college soccer.  But I'd push through it just like my mom does every day because it was what I loved to do.


Share your faith with your family
I admire my mother so much for her faith and how she encourages others, including her family, on their faith journey.  As long as I can remember my mother would share the Bible with me and pray for me.  Now that I'm a mother I know how hard it actually is to find time in your day to do that with Bailey.  I'm so thankful that she took the time to mold my faith. 

Bailey calls her "Nana"

Support your child's dreams
My parents have always supported my dreams.  I wanted to play college soccer at a small, private (expensive) school that did not offer athletic scholarships.  They encouraged my 100% to pursue this dream and on top of that drove the long 4 hours to come see me play in Abilene.  Sometimes making that drive to Abilene and back in one day. I could probably only count on 2 hands how many games they missed in my whole 4 years playing for HSU.  Talk about dedicated fans! 

I consider myself incredibly lucky that I am now a mother and can use what I have learned to be this kind of mother to my sweet Bailey Laine.  Now I get to see the amazing grandmother that she is and continue to learn from her! 

Katie, my mom, and me at Katie's bridal luncheon

What's in a Name?

It took Scott and me forever to come up with a girl name we could both agree on.  Boy names were not a problem.  We had settled on Brady if Bailey had been a girl.  And as I had mentioned before I was positive I was going to have a boy.  But, God has a sense of humor!  I had really liked the name Bailey for a girl, but had friends that had dogs named Bailey, so I wasn't so sure about that.  But I kept going back to Bailey.  The other problem was that we could not agree on a middle name.  I had always liked the name Elaine because that is my sister's middle name.  I wanted some part of her name to be a family name.  But we didn't like how Bailey Elaine sounded.  So of course we went back and forth.  Well, it was finally the day of the ultrasound to see if we were having a boy or girl.  And again, I was totally convinced they would tell us it was a boy and completely ready to name him Brady.  Well, on the way to the doctor's office we drove past a street called Bailey Lane.  The doctor's office is actually on the corner of Bailey Lane.  No joke!  And there is a park right by the hospital where I delivered Bailey called Bailey Park.  So once I saw that I told Scott, "It's gonna be girl and we're gonna name her Bailey Laine."  Well, you know the rest of the story.  They told us we were having a girl and we named her Bailey Laine.  You know how some people are their name?  Well, Bailey is definitely a Bailey.  I can't imagine her having any other name!

Popsicles and Paintbrushes

Since last week's lovely experience with her 2 year molars, I have given Bailey lots of popsicles to ease the pain.  Bailey calls popsicles ice-cream and has been asking for them every day now.  She asks for it day and night.  Her actual word for it is "eyesream".  It's super hard to resist her when she asks sweetly with those big, blue eyes and says, "Peese?".  Then when she gets it she says, "Thank um".  Bailey also will throw her hands up in the air and say, "Hooway," when she does get her popsicle and uses the term delicious to describe it.
 
I'm really enjoying all the new words she can use to communicate with me.  Every day she says something new and takes me completely off guard.  

Scott has been watering our bare grass spots with the water hose, which Bailey enjoys completely.  Surprise, surprise!  And of course she had to drink from the water hose!  I'm not sure what the deal was with the paintbrush, but she would dip it in the water and then paint my feet, my toes, my arms, pretty much anything she could paint, she did!

Nature Girl

When I was first pregnant with Bailey I thought I was surely going to have a boy.  In fact, we had boy names picked out and could not come up with a girl name at all.  I couldn't imagine having a girl because I was always such a tomboy.  How would I ever raise a girl?  As a kid I always played street hockey, soccer, and football outside with the neighborhood boys.  The only time I ever played with Barbie dolls was when I would cut their hair or push them in their Barbie convertables down the stairs.  When I found out Bailey was a she after all I immediately began researching dolls and tea parties.  Okay not really, but I did mentally start preparing for having a girl.

Bailey loves the "baby flowers"

Now that I have Bailey I cannot imagine having a boy.  She is so sweet and loving.  I always get kisses and "I love you"'s from her.  She does enjoy her dolls and stuffed animals, but she has a good mix of tomboy in her, as well.  In fact, she mostly wants to be outside smelling flowers, looking at butterflies, jumping on the trampoline, or playing in the water.  The first thing she wants to do when she gets home is take her clothes off.  That's why most of her pictures she's in diapers.  I have no idea where she got that from...okay maybe I do :-).

She recently climbed her first tree.  Not by herself, but with the help of her very cautious mommy.  Thank goodness her daddy wasn't home because he probably would have fainted, but no need for worries, I completely had her.  When I was a girl I loved climbing trees.  Here's a bit of advice: Do NOT climb trees barefoot.  I know that seems like a no-brainer, but that's what I did at my grandparents' house in Corpus Christi when I was a little girl and I slipped.  You can probably imagine where the tree bark went.  Yep, right up under my toenail.  Sorry about the visual.  Anyway, so I had to go and get my toenail removed at the age of 7 maybe.  I guess Bailey didn't really climb the tree so much as sit in it with me right under her in case she fell.  She'll have to wait and climb when she's a little older.  But I will definitely show her how!

We have beautiful bushes that attract butterflies (wish I knew the name of them) and Bailey loves to try and catch them.  She's small enough to go underneath the bushes and I can imagine her making a "fort" inside the bushes someday.  That's another great memory I have from my grandparents' house in Corpus Christi.  Katie and I created a "house" behind the bushes.  I don't really remember what was back there, but I remember it being a blast. I'm so very thankful for my nature girl/tomboy.  God certainly knew what He was doing! 

My little nature girl exploring the bushes

Trampoline Fun

 Bailey's favorite thing to do is jump on my bed or any bed for that matter.  She always says, "More jumping."  So, Scott and I finally caved and bought her a trampoline this past weekend.  Scott wanted to get her the 8 footer, but they didn't have that size at Wal-Mart, so we got her the 14 footer.  Speaking of Wal-Mart, do people bring their kids to Wal-Mart and then just leave them to play in the toy aisle?  Seriously!  Kids were riding the bikes down the aisles and not just the toy aisle, but all the surrounding aisles.  Anyway, I'm so glad they didn't have the smaller one because now Scott can jump with Bailey on this larger one. 
It took us two days to assemble it.  It says 45 minutes to assemble with 2 people on the box.  Yeah right!  So our first day we just set up the trampoline without the net.  A little scary for us as she jumped, but it kept us on our toes!  After we finally got the net set up yesterday, she came home from school and jumped for 3 1/2 hours straight.  Her sweet daddy jumped with her most of that time.  My calves were tight after jumping with her.  She loves jumping on her trampoline, but she wouldn't let me stop jumping with her today.  If I stopped she'd say, "Jump Mommy."  Don't know how she has that much energy, but I wish she'd share it with me!

Depression: My Journey In and Out of the Pit

Sharing my journey

I guess I mostly felt the need to write this post because had I known a little more about depression and how many people struggle with it I might have gotten help a little earlier.  It has a stigma attached to it.  People with depression are weak, right?  Wrong!  I think anyone that truly knows me knows that I am not a weak person.  In fact, my doctor kept using the word brave to describe me when I first went in to get help.  At the time I couldn't figure out why she was using that word, but looking back at it I completely understand.  The stigma associated with depression keeps people from seeking treatment and admitting they have a problem.  After all, when I was first diagnosed I felt shameful and didn't feel justified in having depression.  I thought only people that suffered tragic losses dealt with depression.  I hope that I can help others that are struggling with it.  My goal is to be completely transparent and an open book!
Falling into the pit
I'm not sure when the depression crept in.  I think I slowly began to struggle with it when I became a mom.  As most of you know, Scott has different days off than me (for the most part).  He works every Saturday, but used to have every Sunday off (except 1).  This summer that changed and he now only gets two Sundays off per month (sometimes only 1).  I've always struggled with his work schedule, even before we got married, but now that I have Bailey it's become harder to accept.  At times I feel hopeless that we will never be a "normal" family.  By "normal" I mean a whole family with common days off.  I know I can't complain because many families are separated by oceans for months to years, but it is my struggle. 

It became very apparent to me when Scott's new work schedule started and the new school year began that something was wrong.  Almost every day I would come home and the first thing I would do was sit down on my kitchen floor and cry.  Some days I would even utter the words, "I hate my life".  Which to me felt like I was saying, "I hate my daughter.  I hate my husband.  I hate my family and friends.  I hate God."  But none of these statements were true.  I did hate how I felt so hopeless, how every day life seemed to be so hard, how exhausted I was all the time.  From August to December I dealt daily with anxiety attacks, stomachaches, headaches, fatigue, and would forget conversations that I had with my husband just a few minutes earlier. It was so frustrating and I felt like every day I would say, "I think something is wrong with me."  I'd paste a smile on my face and do my best to make it through the day. I love to exercise, but by the end of a long day of teaching the last thing I wanted to do was go to the gym.  Fatigue was weighing me down.  I didn't feel like an adequate teacher, mother, friend, or wife.

I had fallen into a dark pit and couldn't see the light.  I knew I was in the pit, but I wouldn't ask for help.  Scott would tell me on a daily basis to go to the doctor and I would just put it off.  Maybe somehow I knew subconsciously what the outcome of a doctor's visit would be, so I avoided it like the plague.  Eventually the pit grew too dark to stay.

Cry for help
Psalm 34:17-18  When the righteous cry for help, the Lord hears and delivers them out of their troubles.  The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit. 
My regular daily prayer since August was "God change something.  Change my heart or change my life situation, but change something."  Every day on my commute to work I would repeat that over and over, sometimes through tears.  I did the typical Web MD thing to research my symptoms and see what was wrong with me.  Finally, one night I sat down on my bed and told Scott, "I think I'm depressed."  My mom also suggested I get my thyroid levels checked as there is a history of thyroid problems in my family.  So I went to the doctor and blubbered my symptoms as tears ran down my cheeks, fully expecting her to say it was my thyroid, but the first thing out of her mouth was, "You are depressed".  I continued saying, "I don't know why I'm so tired and anxious", and she repeated, "Because you are depressed."  She prescribed me some medication and suggested some therapists for me to visit with and she also had my thyroid levels checked.  She wound up diagnosing me with hypothyroidism, too.

Climbing out of the pit
At first I was relieved that I finally had an answer for all the symptoms I had been having, but then I felt shame.  I didn't understand why I was depressed. I hadn't suffered any tragedies, I had a beautiful daughter and a supportive husband.  I had a loving family and friends.  My life was for the most part pretty great, but after doing some research and talking to friends I learned that depression is a lot more common and it has to do with a chemical imbalance in the brain, but people just don't talk about it. 

After getting my medication the pharmacist told me I should start feeling better in about 6 weeks.  After 6 weeks on my depression medicine I noticed the difference and Scott could definitely tell a difference!  I now am no longer dealing with the anxiety attacks, stomachaches, headaches, or fatigue on a daily basis like I was 6 weeks prior.  I walk with a pep in my step!

Accepting the pit
Proverbs 3:5 Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding.  
God had heard my cries and answered prayers.  It took about 4 months of struggling with the anxiety attacks, stomachaches, fatigue, feelings of hopelessness and worthlessness to finally come out on the other side.  I firmly believe that I was to experience all of those things so that I could grow closer to God.  I leaned on him and trusted that he would hear my cries and answer me.  I know that God has His own timing and that there was a reason for me to experience this. There have been times in my life that were extremely difficult and at the same time I was closer to God than I have ever been.

Staying out of the pit
I know that it is something I still will struggle with.  Depression will pull me back into the pit to say, "Hello!", but my visit does not linger longer than a few hours.  Before getting help, a visit to the pit would last weeks.  Besides medication, spending time with God through prayer and devotionals, getting exercise, and enjoying my new (photography) and old (soccer) hobbies help me.  My parents are amazing, as well!  They offer any time I need it to take Bailey so I can have some time to myself.  Accepting help is key! 


Psalm 30:11 You turned my wailing into dancing; you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy.
One night as I was reading my bible I just cried big, alligator tears.  I was reading the various verses that I have posted above.  A few months earlier these alligator tears would have been tears of hopelessness and sadness, but these were cries of joy because God had helped me out of the pit.  I had called on Him and He had answered me!